Gone With The Winds

Tis morning, at abt 0330hrs, i was suppose to be at the Padang for my volunteer duty for the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon (SCSM).. However, last night (Sat) things took for the turn. My plan was kinda screwed up..

My section leader smsed me saying tat the NightRider Service which i wanted well was suppose to take was not in service in lue of the road closure.. At that split second, i asked myself am i ready to forgo the free Adidas t-shirt i would be getting..

I asked myself. Well part of the reason was because im getting free adidas t-shirt and also to be part of tis well somewat "prestigious" event.. Happen to be talking to a friend.. Asked for opinion.. I was really caught in the middle.. Eventually, i came to a decision..

A very difficult one.. At the expense of the free t-shirt and all.. I didnt go.. Was also kinda tired so really i wasnt in a mood.. Frankly i noticed tat since i didnt go to church, i have been kinda depressed..

I tot tat friends are really tat important but i realised tat God was the one who has been there for me.. I remembered when KC was still alive, each and everytime i brought him out for a walk, i would talk to God like as if i was talk to myself in public..

However, thru the years, tat didnt happen.. Wen i did tat wen KC was life, i was alot more happier.. But i guess things wouldnt always go ur way.. I read kor's blog today.. Haiz.. He spends more time wif his friends rather then wif me.

I do wonder.. Y do u rather we have brothers for? I mean he is jus a godbro per say i dunno if he really treats me like his real younger bro as he claims cos he doesnt really seem to be well acting on his words..

Wen i ask him, he says i probe.. Many a times, im at the verge of well wanting to let go of tis brotherhood, my friends and everything i have got.. However, i have nvr had a "driving force" in my life aside for God..

Till recently.. Everyone who heard of my "driving force", wanted to know who it was.. And all got shocked wen i said it was my kor. For tat period of time, they could see happiness, joy and all in my.. However, till recently, things werent like tat..

I have to admit tat yes its kinda heart breaking.. Cos things wasnt like wat it used to be wen he first came into my life.. Seriously i do miss my kor alot.. And i really mean alot.. But reading it, i don think he seems to bother at all..

Contemplating... Tats wat im doin now.. Rite now in my life, everythig is a big question mark.. Minus the volunteering events tat i would be involved soon, i dunno wat else is there to do aside from my studies.. Kinda gay rite???

Well tats sherwin i gues.. Eminent in friendship but many a times i wonder.. y am i so foolish and naive.. There is tis song "Believe me" by Fort Minor.. Its really a song i used to motivate me.. Esp the chorus..

Yday, i smsed kor kor.. asking him if he wanted to go out.. He gave me a well somewat reasonable "excuse" and i took it.. Tis morning, i smsed him again.. NO reply.. wen i read his blog, i was seriously well somewat taken aback i gues..

Sad too.. kinda disappointed in a way.. If tats the way its goin to be, i don see a point.. But yet inside i cant let my "driving force" go jus like tat.. Its seriously very hard and its heart breaking.. Sometimes, id rather run away frm the whole matter then talk abt it..

I jus wish and feel like deleting the number let alone not bring my hp wif me.. but its something i cant.. U know, as im typing tis bloggy now, the wind outside is jus so nice and fresh.. though the curtains are closed, but the smell of the wind, its jus so uplifting..

I do sense the presence of God here wif me.. Let alone feel like crying i dunno y.. But i guess i jus have to haiz.. i dunno lah.. Seriously sometimes tis kor shit jus pisses the hell out of me.. maybe tats y sometimes i quite wiery of the pple arnd me??

Think ill jus end here lah.. i dunno wat to say anymore.. haiz.. :'(