Busy Week

Tis week was kinda like a busy week for me.. Wednesday, i wasnt sure y i came home late.. i think and Thursday and Friday, i was volunteering at Giving Tree @ North East.. The last time i was tis exhausted and all was wen i was at the IOC..

Got into a fight like tis week and i fainted and apparently wen i regained consiousness, my head was spinning so bad.. and i had migraine.. While i was unconsiousness, i had tis funny dream abt kor and i.. I dunno y.. Well i he says he wants to be my kor.. But there are somethings i wan to ask him but he never answers me..

I dunno y. Initially wen he was my kor kor, he was very nice.. i have to say it was sweet and nice to have a kor kor.. But then after sometime, he was very cold towards me especially wen he came back from Rockhampton..

The sweet time and goodness we had disappeared.. Its kinda depressing.. Everytime wen i log into his blog, wen i hear tat song and read abt his day and all, i dunno y i jus feel very depressed.. I nvr had a driving force till he came in and i dunno y i made him or used him as my driving force...

Sometimes i do find tat im very naive.. Believing pple so easily.. :( i dunno y.. haiz.. Right now, im using tis current volunteer project (Giving Tree @ North East) to avoid my depression.. But aside frm depression, have tis physical exhaustion.. :'(

I dunno how long i can take wif tis torture i have.. I mean im jus waiting for tat day wen he says he doesnt wan me as his didi.. He says he wants me as his didi.. But he doesnt well treat me like one.. i mean the occasional calls and spot checks etc.. let alone meet up..

He says he is busy and all tat he cant be wif his friends.. For the past few days, wen i read his blog, he is always out wif his friends.. but wats of the brother of his?? Neglected.. and he says no.. Wen i wan to tel him off, he jus ignores me.. seriously i dunno wat he wants yet alone wat he wan to do..

:'( i don really think of my kor.. well i do think of my kor but then wen i think of how he treats me, i do have my doubts.. and he never wants to assure and give me tat security he used to.. i dunno y..

Well enough of my frustration and all lah.. WEll i have been having a gd time volunteering i mean yes i have been using it to avoid my problems but thru the process, its fun.. I am now like promoted to Deputy Manager.. Have pple under me.. haha..

Have to like report an hr earlier and go home an hr later cos have debrief.. of course i too have to conduct debrief and briefing.. so yea.. wen i wake up in the morning, im like a zombie.. but everyone says i seem like i have ample slp.. haha..

I love my volunteering work.. kinda gd.. But of course u get suckers who are jus there for CCA points or CIPS points. Im there for Leaderships points too.. but wen i don bother abt the points wen i do my job so yea..

Yday was kinda soso.. had like my Junior's frm SC 3 of them were Deputy MaNagers.. then 4 others came.. 2 of them were ok.. but of the 2, 1 was asking how to be a deputy manager.. could see she was doin stuff ot be noticed to get promoted to be Deputy Manager..

As for the other 2, one was fill wif shitty attitude whilest the other followed like a dog.. Godness. really some of them are not suitable to be councillors.. Their working attitude sucks.. but well i jus hope i can change.. haha

Right now im like looking at emceeing.. haha.. large scale.. Then i miss my security.. plus its easy.. hehe.. and u can see odd pple who wanted to board the EpBus thinking tat there would be a bus trip.. haha.. wen there isnt..

The weather today is so nice.. hehe.. well but its depressing to not have one soyea.. Can say its my kor ba.. sometimes.. i really say screw brotherhood.. tat day wen kor send me tis sms, i asked how come suddenly so nice, he said its jus to let me know he remembers me.. But deep inside.. i wanted to ask.. Remember me as wat? ur brother? ur friend?? or wat? there are many things i wan to ask but he doesnt wan to tell me.. and its always my fault..

Marketing Sentosa??

Tis morning, i woke up at like hmm.. say 0930?? I made a lunch appt wif Sonia, my classmate cum project buddy.. hehe.. I tot i was late so i kinda rushed.. Later in the train, did i realised tat we agreed to meet at 1200... haha..

In any case, i was still kinda late.. haha by 5mins.. I forgot tat i didnt take my vitamins.. To add to the well in a way misery, i didnt have any case to store them.. Decided to grab one frm GNC on the way to meet sonia.. the thingy, cost like abt $2.60 or so lah.. so yea.. dashed off to meet her..

Finally reached.. Guess wat?? She cut her hair.. haha.. Well we later wen to order our food.. Wen we entered Mac, there were tis grp of girls, who were for some unknown reason, keep looking at me and smiling n giggling away.. Didnt really pay much attention to them... Went ahead to order our food...

While having our food, we discussed abt our POM Project, and the Christmas Tree Event at Tampines Central.. At the moment, im volunteering for days.. They are tis thursday and friday and next thursday and friday.. However, if i hit 8shifts, i would get some leadership points..

There for today, we sorta planned the other 4.. Later while eating, California Fitness sorta called and i rejected them.. Of course i did explain to them the bad experience i had tat time.. The person sorta assured me tat it wouldnt happen.. Kinda scaptical abt it.. but yea agreed to go..

Lugging Sonia along cos since we wanted to workout, it would be a gd chance.. so yea.. y not.. Well intend to cut my hair.. so in the morning would be kinda have a tight schedule.. Would go for our jog, then followed by hair cut, but on the way to sch, have to settle the electric bill.. Then after tat, off to California Fitness..

Managed to skip Charlie's Media Corp event.. kinda feel very bad.. but i have no choice.. haiz.... IN any case, both of us headed to sch and attended lesson.. During POM, we wen to see Ms Lee and spoke to her abt out our topic..

Our topic is on Marketing Sentosa as in boosting its tourism numbers and all.. Lots of factors to pay attention too.. At the same time, im also trying to have a better grasp of Marketing as a whole.. still kinda wabbly..

During our short break, we wen to see Ms Lee and before we could start, she ranted abt our grouping.. So we said tat it was abt our topic.. So yea we clearified our doubts.. Later after tat, we had Rajes's Lesson.. I tell u, im beginning to love Mdm Rajes given the fact tat she is strict..

Cos i could see her point of view and where she is driving from.. I really do feel blessed under her wing... Like a mother protecting a child.. Special feeling.. Well yea.. Her lesson was super interactive.. hehe..

After lesson, wen to my friend's place.. Well got some hmm tips?? Wif regards to my project.. So yea.. Well used the word Hypothesis.. hehe.. i dunno y im so gaga over tat word.. haha but i manged to know how to use it lah.. Tats wats most important..

Came home and was kinda tired.. And here i am.. Well chatted wif kor jus now.. Hmm i guess i dunno.. He isnt like giving me cold shoulder anymore?? But in any case, the last time, wen he went to rockhampton, he bought me some stuff.. I sorta placed them in tis hmm well corner of my drawer.. In a way, i guess if he really disowns me, the box would be either mailed to him or i meet him to return them to him..

Thinking of all tis, is kinda depression and seriously, very agonizing.. Signing up for tis Christmas Tree event at tampines, is sorta like to keep me away frm all tis.. In a way an excuse for me to avoid them?? Haiz dunno lah..

I somehow find it very ecentric.. Wen pple first get into a relationship, its so sweet and well very nice.. The feeling of being loved and all is there.. However, as time passes by, u feel like a tissue paper.. No more tat nice loving sweetness u used to have.. but the cold and ugly sight of everything haunts u.. Confusion confusion..

Its a whole theology i don think ill ever understand.. Though wif live experiences and all, pple say its sweet and all but i don seem to agree wif them.. I onli sit and envy pple who are happy.. while im always the one there to see and admire..

At tis point of time, anything can hapen though my options are all open, but im jus praying tat the dreadful day wouldnt come at all.. Cant afford to lose the driving force in me.. Hmm kinda late already.. toddles.. Cheerios.

Gone With The Winds

Tis morning, at abt 0330hrs, i was suppose to be at the Padang for my volunteer duty for the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon (SCSM).. However, last night (Sat) things took for the turn. My plan was kinda screwed up..

My section leader smsed me saying tat the NightRider Service which i wanted well was suppose to take was not in service in lue of the road closure.. At that split second, i asked myself am i ready to forgo the free Adidas t-shirt i would be getting..

I asked myself. Well part of the reason was because im getting free adidas t-shirt and also to be part of tis well somewat "prestigious" event.. Happen to be talking to a friend.. Asked for opinion.. I was really caught in the middle.. Eventually, i came to a decision..

A very difficult one.. At the expense of the free t-shirt and all.. I didnt go.. Was also kinda tired so really i wasnt in a mood.. Frankly i noticed tat since i didnt go to church, i have been kinda depressed..

I tot tat friends are really tat important but i realised tat God was the one who has been there for me.. I remembered when KC was still alive, each and everytime i brought him out for a walk, i would talk to God like as if i was talk to myself in public..

However, thru the years, tat didnt happen.. Wen i did tat wen KC was life, i was alot more happier.. But i guess things wouldnt always go ur way.. I read kor's blog today.. Haiz.. He spends more time wif his friends rather then wif me.

I do wonder.. Y do u rather we have brothers for? I mean he is jus a godbro per say i dunno if he really treats me like his real younger bro as he claims cos he doesnt really seem to be well acting on his words..

Wen i ask him, he says i probe.. Many a times, im at the verge of well wanting to let go of tis brotherhood, my friends and everything i have got.. However, i have nvr had a "driving force" in my life aside for God..

Till recently.. Everyone who heard of my "driving force", wanted to know who it was.. And all got shocked wen i said it was my kor. For tat period of time, they could see happiness, joy and all in my.. However, till recently, things werent like tat..

I have to admit tat yes its kinda heart breaking.. Cos things wasnt like wat it used to be wen he first came into my life.. Seriously i do miss my kor alot.. And i really mean alot.. But reading it, i don think he seems to bother at all..

Contemplating... Tats wat im doin now.. Rite now in my life, everythig is a big question mark.. Minus the volunteering events tat i would be involved soon, i dunno wat else is there to do aside from my studies.. Kinda gay rite???

Well tats sherwin i gues.. Eminent in friendship but many a times i wonder.. y am i so foolish and naive.. There is tis song "Believe me" by Fort Minor.. Its really a song i used to motivate me.. Esp the chorus..

Yday, i smsed kor kor.. asking him if he wanted to go out.. He gave me a well somewat reasonable "excuse" and i took it.. Tis morning, i smsed him again.. NO reply.. wen i read his blog, i was seriously well somewat taken aback i gues..

Sad too.. kinda disappointed in a way.. If tats the way its goin to be, i don see a point.. But yet inside i cant let my "driving force" go jus like tat.. Its seriously very hard and its heart breaking.. Sometimes, id rather run away frm the whole matter then talk abt it..

I jus wish and feel like deleting the number let alone not bring my hp wif me.. but its something i cant.. U know, as im typing tis bloggy now, the wind outside is jus so nice and fresh.. though the curtains are closed, but the smell of the wind, its jus so uplifting..

I do sense the presence of God here wif me.. Let alone feel like crying i dunno y.. But i guess i jus have to haiz.. i dunno lah.. Seriously sometimes tis kor shit jus pisses the hell out of me.. maybe tats y sometimes i quite wiery of the pple arnd me??

Think ill jus end here lah.. i dunno wat to say anymore.. haiz.. :'(

My Week

Tis week has been kinda physically and mentally tiring.. I mean wow i mean though my time table is kinda go but see Monday i ended at 5 and tuesday at 4 and wednesday i still had tis SC meeting at 4 which lasted till abt 5.30 abt an hr lah.. Thursday and Friday i mean like yea i end at 1230 however, had to go to grab mummy's ipod nano and on friday, yday, wen to buy my stuff..

Yday, i wen to Beach Road to grab like 3 army towels and 1 black army bag.. haha.. kinda nice lah i mean i kinda didnt like the towel cos i guess i havent washed it, so it sorta had green stringy thingys ;dropping out.. si so yea..

I mean like really tis week was very tiring.. i dunno y i feel so tired.. aside from all tis exhaustion and stuff, friends well esp Sonia, she noticed tat i was like very down. I mean she noticed tat i was very down.. Silent and wen im alone, she could see sadness on my face..

Not even my kor could do something like tat and well she is really a friend.. Speaking of my kor, well i did have a feeling that he doesnt wan me as a didi.. plus all tis cold treatment he is giving me.. His friends and all are much more important to him than me.. If u were to ask me, i am scared to lose him but yet i guess to some extend, losing him has no long been a subject to me..

The driving force i had may be gone.. I dunno.. It sorta no longer important to me liao lor.. Haiz.. Well anyway, last night, bought a pair of leather converse shoes.. so nice.. hahaha.. i think tis month i really got some stuff man..

I got my shoe bag, my black bag, my towels, my vitamins, my shoes, and plus wat my friend got my an LV wallet, place model and adidas shorts.. hehe.. Think next month would get clothes.. haha.. 20 more days and im flying off..

Oh yea my project, Sonia and i would be doin it alone.. hha cool our much wanted dream.. Then we are thinking how marketing Sentosa and boosting its tourism visits... haha.. kinda hard but its a challenge.. thus far im having some ideas.. would be doin some brian storming on monday over breakfast and @ mac.. haha..

Kinda gd lor.. Submission of the proposal was suppose to be 23rd.. the day im flying off.. but then i sorta gave teacher tis look so she changed it to the 21st.. so kinda glad.. haha.. abt 20 days or so lor.. haha.. so happy.. I mean its like i can fly and enjoy without having to worry abt the project..

I jus realised tat 2nd, was a holiday.. Called mummy to tell her.. So asked her to change our arrival date to 2nd night.. then 3rd, the next day then go work and sch for me.. hehe... its a tradition i have been doin.. come back a day b4 sch starts.. hehe..

Well so yea.. tat was like my week for me lor.. later im goin out to collect mummy's Rain's cd then dunno where to go le so sian.. But i onli know i have to be back early so yea.. cos i have my duty for the marathon tomorrow.. haiz no transport so i have to go alone.. shit man.. haha..

Think ill end here le.. will write more in abt 25hrs time.. toddles.